someone was breaking into my shed last week so I called the cops they said , "theres no one in the area please hold on and wait." So I waited a few minutes and called them back I said, "theres no need to send anyone I shot them." Within five minutes their were nine cop cars around my house they caught the robbers in the act. The cop said, "I thought you said you shot them." I replied,"I thought you said there was no one in the area."
three dead people floating in a river with really big smiles. two are men ones an irishman. cast: sam - a newspaper reporter mike - a detective
*****
sam: detective mike - do you know how these people died?
mike: well as a matter of fact sam - these people were not murdered, as we thought. the first one - might wanna get out your notepad.
(sam pulls out his notepad and a pen and begins to write)
mike: died on his birthday. got drunk - had a great time and fell in. he drowned.
sam: mm hm. quite common.
mike: second one - died of exauhstion. his girlfreind dumped him into the lake feeling very sad of course but only to make sure she was not falsley accused of murder after getting in bed with him.
sam: oooohhh. what a lucky way to die. *wonder how it felt to get in bed with her...*
mike: what?
sam: nothing. go on.
mike: anyway - third one - irishman got struck by lightning.
sam: then why is he smiling?
mike: apparently he thought he was having his photo taken.
(sam suddenly stops writing and stares at mike)
that one wasent mine it was my dads.
__________________
vuuurrrr...
vvvaaaaaRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! THX best sound imitations.
It was a little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt!" The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go see the principal and get this straightened out." So the little girl went to the principal's office. The principal asked the little girl, "What's your name?" The little girl answered, "Happy Butt!" The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, the principal looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!" The girl then said, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my High School reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything!
poor sweet inoocent charles....I do... another joke. there are three girls. one is married. two have boy friends. Marry is married the others had sex canges.
thats probably only funny if your smart enough to understand. ... another... another group of 3 girls. one blond one brunett one red head. they all get lost in the woods. by chance the stumble apon a fariy. it tells them i'll give u 1 wish each. brown and red wish to go home. blond wishes her friends would come back .
....
